Body grief is inevitable, and like all forms of grief, we have to go through it to move past it.
Whether it be weight gain, illness, aging, or pregnancy, our bodies are constantly changing through the seasons of life. This can sometimes be hard to accept, and acceptance doesn’t always come quickly. Grief is normally accompanied by the loss of a loved one, a job, a disease or major illness, addiction, a major rejection, but it can also be over our bodies. So let’s go over exactly what body grief is, what causes it, signs you might be experiencing it, and how to navigate it with compassion.
What is Body Grief?
Bri Campos, body image coach and founder of The Body Grievers Club (who has been on The Body Talks podcast!), defines body grief as “the distress caused by the perceived losses that come when you stop attempting to change your body size”. When we think of traditional grief, we are mourning the loss of something or someone. And just like traditional grief, with body grief, we are mourning our body changing, or releasing the idea of our body being how it once was. This grief can also be caused by accessibility issues in public spaces (like airplane seats, ugh), assumptions about your health based on how you look, loss of strength or mobility, and many other experiences.
I want to emphasize that this grief is a normal response to our bodies changing or unmet body ideals brought on by society’s obsession with thinness.
The Causes of Body Grief
Body grief can be triggered by certain events in our lives, sometimes overlapping with others:
- Illness or injury (both acute and chronic)
- Aging
- Loss of mobility and/or strength
- Weight gain or weight loss
- Surgery
- Quitting dieting and the idea of giving up control over your body size
- Disordered eating and/or disordered movement recovery
- Pregnancy, postpartum, and menopause
- Medical neglect, trauma, and systemic erasure
And this list can go on, and on. We can feel failed by our bodies or by the systems that are meant to care for them. When it comes to grief, there is a norm that we should not be loud with it, but we have to remember the importance of recognizing a shared experience, and of seeing each other.
Moving Through Body Grief
“We’re learning how to maneuver around what we’ve never experienced.” – Bri Campos
When we think of traditional grief, we often also think of the 5 stages of grief, which I believe can be applied to body grief as well.
Denial: Even knowing the science and doing the readings, we still may think we’re going to be a part of a small percentage of people who can make that change. In this stage, it’s a great time to read up on Health at Every Size (HAES) or engage in activities that help separate your self-worth from the scale.
Anger: Rather than turning to the systems in place, we often put our anger on ourselves through negative self-talk in ways we never would to another. Venting to a friend, journaling, or expressing your anger in whatever way feels best is great when you end up here.
Bargaining: Bri has described this stage as “the reality of the situation can be seen, but one is still trying and hoping to figure a way out”. This is the time to lean on community, setting boundaries with diet culture (whether with loved ones or when it comes to social media), or even practice things where you feel safe in your body – safe to say for me, that is doing some gentle flexibility training in the Relax & Release playlist in The Garden.
Depression: Letting go of an ideal body can understandably lead to this stage, and frankly this stage sucks. This can be a great time to talk to a therapist, anti-diet coach, or even a body-image coach to help you move forward.
Acceptance: The space where you’ve finally come to terms with the body grief. It probably isn’t you loving all parts of you – it’s probably just accepting yourself and your body as is. This is the stage where we can recognize feelings as just feelings, explore limiting beliefs, and cultivate self-compassion.
Grief of all types is so hard, and while leaning into it and feeling the emotions is the best way through (versus pushing it to the side for it to come back up at a later time), bring focus to little things that bring you joy, whatever that may be. You may feel like there is a loss here, but there is also so much to be gained.
Body Grief is not…
Just to quickly dispel some common myths here, body grief is a universal experience. Whether you are thin or fat, have gone through drastic changes in your body, or small changes, it is something we all go through. Having this grief around your body does not mean you’re doing anything ‘wrong’, or that you’re a failure, small and unexpected things can sometimes set off a new wave of body grief, and I think that’s just truly human of us.
If you are looking for some support with your own body grief, check out Bri’s podcast, The Body Grievers Club Podcast, or even put your nose into This is Body Grief by Jayne Mattingly.
Grief, no matter how it looks, is never on a linear timeline. There are moments where you’re thrown back into the grieving process. It takes time, and has its ups and downs, so do your best to stay compassionate to yourself.
